Would someone please look behind the curtain

Fear...
I feel it weighing me down these days...
Dread...
of what could, will go wrong or happen...of where I will go wrong...
It all feels like too much...life...chores...the endless struggle in relationships...finances...heck, just getting out of bed...

And through it all--I sense that there are those who look to me to be a savior of sorts....and that scares me most of all.

Saviors are supposed to be perfect....capable...in control...
I feel none of those things right now.

Paralyzed.
this fear of failure makes it hard to just put one foot in front of the other.

Lord! What is the answer here?

Can they not see that the one behind the curtain is not "the Great and Powerful Oz"...just a fumbling human, feet of clay...trying to keep everything in balance and terrified of messing up?

Who hung this curtain, anyway? Was it me, Lord? Was there actually a time when I wanted them all to think I could satisfy all needs...be all-sufficient...grant them all they wanted?

Please help me to point them to "the Great and Powerful God" and admit that the dog and pony show I've been putting on isn't going to do the trick for them...or me...or anyone...

Please show me how to push back this curtain and show them all the truth and not be afraid of exposure.

Actually, Lord...please tear down the curtain and let me hide my fearful heart in You. I am ready to be exposed...

Good Soil

This week our area experienced a window of let up from the rain and "polar northwest" temps long enough for me to start getting the garden beds ready. It felt really good to yank up the weeds and clean things up in general. I thought about rallying the kids and "assigning" garden work, but I have found a much surer way to get them to gravitate out there....I simply put on my gardening shoes and gloves, grab a bucket and announce, "I'm going to work in the garden." Initially, I spend a bit of time alone (and solitude is never unwelcome), but eventually, they begin to come looking for me....and then it gets good. I don't know why, but there is something about kneeling down next to their mom pulling weeds that brings out the heart conversation in my kids. First one will come for a while and talk about things they are struggling with--then another. "When will I ever grow taller--I'm the smallest kid in my class..." "Why do you think this friend isn't texting me like they used to...I miss them and am worried that something is wrong." One after another, the contents of their hearts are spilled out and sorted through while I listen and offer comfort, advice, or simply an ear. All the while, I am amazed at how the process of getting my garden soil ready is working the "soil" of my kids' hearts....
When I finally stand up, dust off my clothes and put my bucket away, I know I've weeded out more than a few garden beds....I feel like a better mom.

A Christmas Gift I can use...

Who peed on the floor, again (I'm banking on it not being my girls, but the boys each claim innocence with cherubic faces)? Who's toothpaste spit didn't get rinsed down? Who has been licking the sliding door? Who left a (used) fork on the stairs?

Surprisingly enough, these are not uncommon questions I voice in my own home....but I rarely get anyone owning up to the offense. We are--like many other families--plagued with those household mischief-makers, Not Me and Ida Know.

Well, I have an answer for that...I want an at-home, do-it-yourself DNA kit for Christmas. A quick swab and I have an answer to the above questions and get to save myself time and effort trying to determine who is responsible to take care of said issues.

I think I'm really on to something here. Parents everywhere will be lining up. It'll be bigger than "Tickle-Me-Elmo!"

for Friday

Feeling thankful

So, before I can post about our trip to the peninsula, I have to fetch pictures from another computer--maybe tomorrow.

Tonight--I'm just feeling thankful....We got to visit for the afternoon with some old friends (old meaning for a long time--10 years!). The kids had a wonderful time and we moms laughed and cried and visited. See, this is a friend of mine who understands about having a sick kid. And while I am slowly moving past all we went through with Jennifer, she is still very much in the thick of things due to her son's long-term, ongoing condition. But, both of us know what it is to be "in the trenches" of waiting with an aching heart by the hospital bed of a sick child--praying desperately for healing, comfort, relief...release. This is the first friend I would call every time I was on my way to Children's Hospital Emergency room--because she knew precisely the emotions roiling inside me. This is the friend with whom I traded and refilled a Tully's card--because she knows how hard it is to keep vigil in the hospital while sporting a killer caffeine headache!

I'm thankful for where Jennifer is right now in her health journey...and I'm thankful for my friend whom God provided as a support for me when I really needed it.

Thankful is a good place to be....

Re-entry is bumpy

We just arrived back from a week-long vacation to the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State. While there were some nice highlights (future blogs with pics coming!), I have to admit, vacationing with 4 kids in tow is hard on a family! For me, there are moments it doesn't feel like a vacation at all--I'm still doing the same cooking, tidying, laundry, etc.--I just have to do it away from my comfortable environment! And then there's the return from vacation....

No matter how hard I try to prepare for re-entry, it's usually bumpy on a number of levels. This vacation was no different. We returned 3 days ago. I think in a couple more days, I'll feel somewhat recovered! I guess transitions aren't always easy.

I'm at the point in the year, too, where I am longing for the "school year" to end (although we usually do some school through the summer). I guess it's really the commitments that I'd like to be done with. I long for the weeks where several days in a row are free of "gotta go here" and "hafta be there." This is one transition which I think will feel like smooth sailing!

OnStar Toy Division

My ten-year-old, Alex, has shared that he'd be interested in learning to skateboared. There are few toys on the market that conjure up pictures of blood quite like a skateboard. To be fair to Alex, it's really his younger brother, Garrett (age 8) that I worry about. Garrett has always had trouble defining his own limitations. In a word, Garrett is: Dauntless. This will someday turn in to a tremendous character quality that will take Garrett far, but until then, it mostly just causes me to cringe!

I have come up with a solution, however. OnStar. Yep, that's right. I think toymakers should consider equipping toys--particularly fast-moving ones with wheels--with OnStar as a courteousy to parents of kids like Garrett. It would be a simpler version with a couple of differences. I imagine it this way:

First, there would be no need for hands-free calling. "Look, mom, no hands," is a phrase I already have to hear--I don't need it to apply to wireless communication in addition to reckless tricks performed at high speed by my beaming boys. Second, I would keep the blue diagnostic/information button with some small changes--I would give it to the parents on a remote and also allow OnStar to call parents if they determine an approaching disaster. That way, periodically, I could could push that button (or be automatically notified)--even if I am not in view of my boys and a friendly OnStar operator would come on and tell me--based on the position, etc. of the toy--whether my boys are trying tricks that will likely lead to injury and blood. "Well, Mrs. Graf, based on our satellite readings of the global positioning, altitude and general angle of your son's skateboard, we advise you to instruct your son to rethink his course of action." Finally, the red emergency button. Yes--only the one on the toy would notify the parent first and then we'd have a button on our remote in case we needed to bring emergency services to the scene (no sense paying for an ambulance ride you don't really need--no matter how exciting your kids might find it!).

Yes, I think I've hit on a winner here. I think it would be a big hit among parents. Sure there would be a cost involved, but it would probably be cheaper than your average emergency room visit! Maybe I should contact GM. They could use something to rev up their flagging industry....